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Moms of miscarried and stillborn babies carry a private grief that no one else can quite understand. I have found that my emotions and needs are often deeper than my husband's. While we have both grieved, and still experience times of grief, my feelings are usually more sensitive than his.
Many things contribute to a mom's grief. Personally, I fear that other people won't remember this special child that didn't make it. or that I will have to "get over" it before I'm ready. I can't fully trust my body again; after all, it seems to have betrayed me. I wonder what my living children will ask about their oldest sibling--and how I can be true to my first baby while celebrating my other kids. My subsequent pregnancies haven't been as relaxed as some women's. I now know what can happen; I can't go back to being naive.
And yet miscarriage has deepened me. I have more sympathy for hurting people, especially those that are grieving. My appreciation for life--especially new life!--is hightened. My desire for mothering is intensified and purified. I know from experience now that children are a gift, not something to be taken for granted.
As a grieving mom, you need to allow yourself to be just that--a mom, and a woman experiencing grief. Even if you don't have surviving children, you are still a mom! Don't let people convince you otherwise.
Allow yourself to grieve as you need to, not as you or other people expect you to. Grief is unpredictable, a scary time of new thoughts, new emotions, and new hurt. Let yourself feel and process. Eventually, the grief will lessen as you learn to weave it into the story of your life, rather than have it consume your story.
If you feel out of control in your grief, don't be afraid to get help. In the months following my miscarriage, there were many days when I felt that I was losing my sanity. It is the closest I ahve ever been to being out of control--and I didn't see any end in sight. I learned to ask for help: from my doctor, from my close friends, from others who had common experiences, from authors and poets, from my husband, and from God. Grief is not only personal; often it takes your community's help to get you through the roughest spots.
Whatever it means for you, don't neglect to grieve and to get the help you need.
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